


How to never stop missing him

by LilithLies



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bad Parenting, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Back Together, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kozume Kenma Needs a Hug, Kozume Kenma is Bad at Feelings, Kozume Kenma-centric, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Post-Break Up, Regret, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, The Author Needs Therapy, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Author is having a crisis, Underage Drinking, formatting is hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28867371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilithLies/pseuds/LilithLies
Summary: Kenma knew that Kuroo was going to have to leave for collage, but he never realized how hard it would be. So he lets his fear take over and calls things off. Five days later he's realizing just how much he regrets what he did and how much he misses him.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 25





	How to never stop missing him

**Author's Note:**

> Okay wow, think took a couple days to write but I still feel like its too short, R.I.P. I'm not 100% sure if I love how this came out but it did satisfy my need to write angst so-   
> Anyways I hope you all enjoy this roller coaster of hurt.

‘Empty’

That was the word he was searching for. The word to describe how he felt. ‘Empty’. 

Kozume Kenma felt empty and he only had himself to blame. He was the one to make the decision, he was the one who acted on fear. He was the one to break up with Kuroo. It wasn't the other way around. 

So why was he in so much pain? 

He found himself seated in the same Coffee Shop he had found himself in the last four days. He barely remembered arriving at the shop, it had just become some kind of a sad routine. He picked at the piece of apple pie he had purchased and scrunched up his nose at the strong smell of coffee that sat heavy in the small shop. Kenma didn’t like coffee. But ‘he’ did.

He shook his head as if hoping that doing so would help clear his head. His gaze fell to the notebook placed next to the plate that held his half-eaten pie. When was the last time he had baked his own pie instead of just going out and buying it? Oh ya, it had been with ‘him’. 

He let out a shaky breath and set down his form. The clinking noise it made when it touched the plate seemed to ring in his ears. He ran his fingertips over the cover of his notebook and then flipped it open. His eyes scanned over the words he had written five days earlier. After he called him. After he ruined everything. 

Some of the pen ink was smudged, from where his tears had messed up the messily written words. He felt as though he had lost the only person he could truly be open with so he had hoped getting his thoughts down on paper would help. It didn't.

“I had no choice. I only would have held him back. I'm not the right one for him. He deserves better. Someone, he won't be far away from. Someone in college with him. I did the right thing. I did the right thing.” 

His teeth sunk into his bottom lip as he flipped to the next page

“He said he wants to still be friends. That's good, right? That means I haven't fully lost him. I can still have him in my life. I don't have to lose him. Not fully. But what if we stop talking. I am just a ‘friend’ now. Why would he even still bother talking to me? I hurt him”

Kenma quickly closed the notebook, blinking back the tears in his eyes. He got a container for his leftover pie and paid. He gathered everything up and headed outside, the formerly pouring rain had slowed to a drizzle. He pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his head and started on his way home. 

As he neared his front steps his gaze shifted over to his neighbors. That house was painfully familiar to Kenma. It was where he spent much of his time in his youth if he wasn't at his own home. It was where ‘he’ used to live. Before he left for college. Before ‘he’ left him behind.

He tore his eyes away from the house as he unlocked his door and headed inside. He didn't bother calling out, stating out that he was home. No one would be there to hear him. His parents were away for work again. The older he got the more often they were gone. It became the new normal to come home to an empty house. Now that he was a third-year his parents were normally only home for about a week each month. They sent him money each week so in that sense, he was doing fine. But he still got lonely. Especially now that ‘he’ wasn't here. 

He made his way up the stairs to his room where he dumped his bag on the floor by the door and then sat on the edge of his bed. Everything felt too quiet. Lonely. Lifeless. Kenma had once loved the quiet. It meant it was peaceful. Now it just made him feel more alone. 

He pulled out his phone and looked at the notifications. They were mostly from different apps and games. He didn't have any messages from his teammates nor his parents. That was normal. He did have a singular message from Shoyo. It read ‘Hey Kenma! How was your day?’ He didn’t respond. He just laid there staring up at his ceiling until he fell into an uneasy sleep. 

When Kenma eventually opened his eyes he sat up with a groan. He still felt tired and drained. He reached for his phone but found that it was dead. With a sigh, he got up and plugged his phone into its charger, and glanced over at the alarm clock that sat on his bookshelf. The large red numbers showed that it was 9:42. He had slept through dinner again, but he didn't even feel hungry so it didn't matter. Nonetheless, he headed downstairs and into the kitchen. 

He pulled one of the chairs from the kitchen table over to the counter and climbed onto it. Once he was standing on the chair he was able to reach the top cabinet. The cabinet where his parents stored their alcohol. 

It had become a bit of a bad habit over time. When he was feeling particularly empty he would take something from the cabinet, hoping it would help him feel something other than hurt. It's not like his parents would miss what he took. They wouldn't even notice. They hadn't over the last year so why would they start now. He took the first bottle he reached, a bottle of rum, and then took a glass. 

He sat in his bed, his hands over his head and his knees pulled up to his chest. His head felt fuzzy and his heartfelt numb. He tried to ignore the tears that rolled down his cheeks. If he did acknowledge them they weren't there, right? He uncurled himself and whipped at his eyes. He felt stupid, sitting there crying over a decision he made. But he missed ‘him’. 

Kenma missed every single thing about him. He missed staying up late together, way past midnight some nights, just playing stupid games online. He missed eating lunch together on the rooftop of their school, he missed going to practice and then walking home together. He missed his stupid chemistry jokes, his stupid black hair that suck up at weird angels, even that laugh that he swore sounded like a hyena on drugs. He just missed him. 

He wondered if he was still awake. It was a Saturday night so there was a good chance he was. But he was probably busy. He was probably studying or out with friends. He wouldn't have time for him. That's what Kenma kept telling himself. 

So why did he want to call him so bad? 

With shaking hands he picked up his phone and searched for his number. Once he found it he clicked on the contact labeled ‘Tetsu’ and waited. After it rang three times and then he heard a painfully familiar voice come over the phone. 

“Kenma?” 

Kozume nearly choked on his words when he heard Kuroo speak. He hadn't realized just how much he had missed his voice. “Hey Kuro” his voice shook and some of his words slurred together. “I’m sorry, is this a bad time?” 

There was a moment of silence before Kuroo spoke again. “Kenma, are you drunk?” The concern was clear in his voice. Kenma bit his lip, his head hanging low, as regret seeped through him. “No, I-” he had to swallow down the lump in his throat “maybe”

Kenma heard Kuroo let out a sigh before speaking again, “Kenma, what happened?” 

“I- I just miss you Tetsuro” Kenma found himself having to force the words out. Not wanting them to get caught in his throat. 

“Kenma” his voice was gentle “I’m not going anywhere, like I told you, I want to keep our friendship” 

“But I don't want to be just friends Kuroo” he choked out. Before Kuroo had the chance to speak he kept talking “but I was scared and a coward and instead of talking about how I felt I ran away from my feeling like a goddamn coward. I still love you Kuroo” 

There was a beat of silence and Kenma started to regret calling but before he had the chance to hang up and then later blame it all on the alcohol Kuroo spoke. “I still love you too Kenma just” he let out a heavy sigh “promise to talk to me next time. Tell me how your feeling, so we can get through it. Okay?” 

“Okay”


End file.
